Following a ballot measure that mandated Colorado begin reintroducing wolves by the end of 2023, five wolves have been released in Colorado. While Colorado’s ranchers opposed the wolves’ reintroduction as a threat to their right to inflict cruelty and slaughter their livestock, hunters in Colorado and Wyoming are eager for the opportunity to shoot the gray wolves.

“It’s about making ‘snowflakes’ cry,” remarks Ed Bangs who led wolf recovery for the Northern Rockies. “Wild-ass hysteria is driving public policy. Invent a nonissue like too many wolves. Fish and game departments had been doing a good job since delisting. Then the legislatures politicized everything and made wolves a symbol of liberals and outsiders. It’s 1850s stuff — let’s show how much we hate wolves and the people who like them, and let’s stick it to the feds.”

While killing a wolf in Colorado can come with a $100,000 fine, hunters are prepared to use a George Zimmerman defense if they can’t logically claim the wolf was a risk to livestock. If all other excuses fail, hunters are prepared to lure the wolves into Wyoming where murdering a wolf with a snowmobile is considered population control.

The Colorado Cattlemen’s Association and Gunnison County Stockgrowers’ Association continue to explore legal options for cementing their right to farm animal cruelty and industrial slaughter; however, the state hopes to continue releasing thirty to fifty wolves over the next few years to the delight of Colorado’s growing population of sadistic redneck asshats. This population uses recordings of elks in distress to lure wolves and jerks off to recordings of liberals crying.